We all have moments of doubt and self-hatred. If hating yourself was a sport, I’m sure many of us would have excelled at least once.
Recently, I just started a new job. There’s a lot I don’t know and the learning curve is steep. As I try to balance my new starter duties and my desire to prove myself contribute meaningfully to my team, my expectations for myself become sky-high. Then I beat myself up for not being able to reach them.
As an overthinker, I stress too much over not being useful, not doing a good job, dragging other people down….Even though logically I know no one can be doing 100% from the start. But even if you know, those negative thoughts inside our brains gets bigger and bigger, overtaking our whole head and body, shrouding our whole existence until there’s no room for anything else.
As we let the negativity take over, we find ourselves getting tired quicker, energy being depleted faster, and work is the only thing we can think about before going to bed each night. Sounds very melodramatic but we’ve all experienced something similar.
For you it might not be a new job. It could be school, friendships, relationships – anything in your life could set off that trigger causing you to spiral.
What’s important about those negative emotions is how you deal with it.
1. Break up your day
If work or school is the only thing you do every day, then you’re bound to only think about it. Find something to break up your day and reserve that time just for yourself. In that bubble, all the stress of everyday life can’t reach you. Whether it’s a walk, a visit to your favorite cafe, a workout or a dance class, anything can work. Those activities can give you the boundaries to separate yourself from your negative thoughts.
For me, it’s having a simple workout routine I do 3-4 times a week. I don’t go to the gym or have any equipment other than a fitness mat. All I do is turn on a YouTube video from Lilly Sabri or Pamela Reif, someone who pushes me to my limits in just 20 minutes. In those 20 minutes, I sweat and struggle, only thinking about how to tense my core or how to transition to the next move. There’s a unique sense of achievement there that’s completely separated from the tasks you’re assigned to complete in your normal routine.
2. Getting to the root cause
Why are you feeling this way? Once you break down the problem and get to the bottom of why you feel that way, it’s a lot easier to put it into perspective and take actionable steps. If you are a practical person by nature, this method may be more helpful to you than any words of comfort.
I took a couple of days to figure out what the root cause of my issues were. But once I did, I could finally pinpoint the steps I needed to take.
I realised I was willing to put in a little more work outside of normal work hours so I could be more at ease during normal work hours. Of course, don’t do so at the expense of your mental or physical health. Communicate with your managers or mentors when you can. But sometimes, just doing that little extra to catch up with everyone else means you can sleep a little more soundly at night.
Other actionable steps are to ask for help. Just opening your mouth and asking that question will likely take a huge mental burden off your shoulders – which brings me to the next point.
3. Having a good support system
Surround yourself with people who you aren’t scared to be honest with.
A lot of the reasons for my repressed emotions in the past was that I felt like I couldn’t be honest with the people around me. That should already have been a red flag. But I also couldn’t bring myself to break off toxic friendships or open up to people in fear of judgement. In turn, those things also added to my stress and negative emotions.
If this also sounds like you, and you want to have that good support system, then I recommend working on yourself first. If you do, people will naturally gather around you. That means building your confidence, self-esteem, trying different experiences to shape your personality and your aura. You’ll naturally meet like-minded people if you attain self-efficacy and do things that interest you.
4. Find things that interest you
This relates to my first and third point.
If you think you have no interests and nothing you’re good at, I’ve also been there and done that. Just last year, all I did on my days off was stay shut up in my room, scrolling through Twitter, YouTube, Tiktok, not really focusing on anything and just trying to find a way to pass the time.
I still do that on some days but most days I try to do at least one thing that I find interesting. For me that’s something like playing the piano, learning a language, visiting a new restaurant… It’s not too late to find what your hobbies are. Time is going to pass anyway, so take that time to gradually build a new skill. That will also draw people in to you.
5. Be kind to yourself
My final point, while obvious, is still something that should be iterated.
Challenge those negative thoughts by celebrating your small achievements. If you set yourself realistic goals and pursue them, you can find more joy in everyday life.
There’s nothing wrong with you and eventually you’ll be able to break out of this cycle. It just might take some people a bit longer than others but there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you practice self-compassion and make that a habit, slowly but surely your mindset will also change for the better.
Check out other articles from Couch to Joy here.